Most people would tell you that if you have something, share it to others. It can lessen your burden. But I think that’s case to case basis. Share your ideas if you like other‘s thoughts, if you have doubts, and if you need to decide on something.

In my case, as much as possible, I don’t want to share the details of my life. In some point I do that but only to people who I trusted.  I also tell my stories in strangers but not the entire my life.

It feels like I reveal my weakness to others and their impression will change because of what I said to them.  It’s not pride, I just want fair treatment.

Last week, a friend said that she will pay me at the end of September.  I thought, finally she are going to pay since I lent her money six months ago. I expressed my excitement but eventually she said that she will pay her daughter’s school expenses. I didn’t answer. Honestly, I didn’t know how to react on that nor should I react on that? I know already her problem that’s why I didn’t push her to pay me even I’m already counting months.

I didn’t even ask her that time but she opened up that issue.  But what I hated most when she said should I don’t’ feel guilty because I’ll stole the money for her kid. What’s that? Actually, if I don’t really feel sensitive about her situation I don’t have to bother myself to her reason. We had a deal she would pay me in this time which obviously lapsed already. And I don’t think the amount that she borrowed is too difficult to gather if she really wants to pay me.

Our other friend is also like her. I also understand what she went through but really I’m talking about months. And these two persons are constantly asking me to dine somewhere. I don’t know, I really want to conditioned myself that they gonna pay me on December.

Of course there are people who only know you if they want something from you, people who only sees you as their milking cow. Then, there’s also looks cool but hard to deal with if it debt is the issue.

Promise I’ve been asking for more patience in order to understand them. Sometimes I ask my self why I should limit myself in these and that. I want to have something but I can’t take because I’m thinking that my capital will come from this person who gonna pay me on this date.

It as if, my reason is not enough for their reasons. And they gonna pay me on their time. Hello whatever my reasons, it doesn’t matter. They borrow the fruit of my labor and the outcome of sacrifices. I should get what’s mine.

Not as exactly as I imagine them but as the way they love me as Aya.

One- my other site apparently crushed. I’m disappointed not because I can’t live without it but the effort and plans that I already poured in it. Its only few months old but I’m decided to stop doing like that- writing-networking-linking if it doesn’t work anymore.

Two – a friend invited me to a very important occasion in her life. I would like to give back the nice things she does for me by attending that celebration. I’m just hesitated at first because her place is very far from mine.  Then our other friends told me that they are not sure that they will go. My decision is affected by them but I give my nod to attend anyway. There are days that I have to do what I have to do without thinking the other factors. Upset yes because it’s going to be a merrier if we are many. But that’s their fault not mine and I don’t know what’s more merrier anyway.

Three – before April ends, I’m geared to work on something I’m longing to do. I just couldn’t’ work on it before because I prioritize other stuff first. Well I need to focus on thing now because I want to be committed.

I’m blessed now that I have resources to read like internet materials/ sites, books and I have ample money to support if I decide to enroll myself in a language institute.

However as being frugal maybe, I don’t like to study English language in a formal school. I tried that last 2008 but that was a failed event. I hate the way our instructors’ methods of teaching. They not directly discriminating their students but I sympathized to those received soft insult.  I could say that even I paid smaller amount, that’s still huge compare to their performance.

Going back, I’m eager to prove that I can develop by doing a self –study. I can afford now to buy books, which I think cooler than to go in any local institute for language. That would be less stress, less expenses and less comparison. I’ll be proud If I can do that.

Now, the problem is I have to face my foe, which is my also my self. I have to earn discipline, determination and patience. There’s no one who will push me to stay focus.

I hope that I can do this as soon as possible, my dreams already challenging me.

but after thorough viewing, i realized that its not good practice. i feel intimdated and shock.  eh one thing that i don’t like is remembering old feelings that’s  too emotional. hehehe

i better be happy for them whatever they do, even i dont know what & where exactly they are right now.

i have so many likes and same way, with dislikes. I know that it really hard to find a perfect match. but after watching julie and julia, i made a wish.

that i can find a husband that like them, a supportive one.

i don’t care how many hits i’ll have

i don’t care how long it takes

i don’t care if i look stupid

seem pretending and just ranting

as long as I’m free to share my thoughts and make it valuable for mer and to others, i still continue.

because what i care is our emotion.

accepting your situation whether its bad or good is reality check

but if you can do to influence them to do what you think is right, that’s awesome!

Another problem with that is think of not so happy things like, what I have done with my life, where am I going and what I’m going to do. It is as if, I’m running out of time.

This morning, I thought of one guy who expressed his interest. I think in 2008. I met him in a work-related activity. If I allowed him to communicate with me, maybe I’m married now and starting to have my own family. He’s older than me by five years or above.  That idea doesn’t bring positive vibe but unhappy tone. I mean I just get married and I don’t think we’re fit to each other. He seems egoistic and I’m judicious.

Then I also remember my sentiment in a blog of my friend. When asked what age I would prefer or I think to get married, I answered 29.  I still want that but what now, it just two years to go and I have no love for anyone who could possibly my groom.

I wish I just think these things while I’m sleeping. At least, I still get enough sleep and forget those when I wake up.